


Plead Insanity

by Medusa_Green



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Gen, insane, insane asylum
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-12
Updated: 2015-04-01
Packaged: 2018-03-12 02:11:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3339758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Medusa_Green/pseuds/Medusa_Green
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Your best bet is to plead insanity.'</p>
<p>If insanity was his only hope, then hope was aready lost.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1: Caged Animals

Every single noise made Matthew jump as he sat in his holding cell, awaiting transportation. The only thing keeping his mind off his current situation was the way he gently rocked himself back and forth. His hands were rickety and the inside of his nails were thick with dirt. Normally he could find a bright side to any circumstance but this one had none what so ever. There was nothing bright about this.

Your best hope is to plead insanity.

Insanity. The word almost made him laugh. According to a judge and jury; he was branded insane and was awaiting transportation to Pentkuck Instition. Matthew didn't argue with his lawyer proposition. If insanity was his best hope then hope was already lost. 

Cradling his head in his hands he tried desperately to keep out the noises. A bang of a cell door, a cry of a fellow inmate, the jingle of a guards keys, the voices. All of the noises echoed loudly in his ears. He felt like sticking his fingers so deep into his ears that he pierced his brain. Over and over the noises droned on, it was enough to make anyone go crazy. 

"Matthew Williams?"

The cell holding him opened and three guards came inside to tightly chain him. Matthew felt like an animal, then again he deserved it. 

I am an animal. I am an animal. I am an animal.

He told himself that over and over again as the guards pretty much carried him out into a van. As they exited the courts a few reporters crowded round to see the chained animal. Bright camera lights made him disorientated, loud voices boomed in his ears, and someone even spat on him. Matthew almost found it ironic. For most of his life he was ignored, now he was the centre of hate-fused attention.

I deserve this. I deserve this. I deserve this.

Just as the guards were pushing him into the back of the police van Matthew spotted him. Immediately Matthew felt a pang. A figure stood far from the rest of the crowd but still within eye sight of him. Matthew never meant for the figure to be there, the figure which looked so much like him. He so desperately didn't want his own brother to see them hauling him away for life. He told Alfred to stay away countless of times but his brother kept on coming back. 

His brother was shaking and trying desperately to hold back the chocking sobs begging for release. Matthew wanted to sob, but he couldn't. He shouldn't be allowed to cry not after the thing he had committed. Crying was only for human beings, and human beings didn't do what he did. 

I am an animal. I am an animal. I am an animal.

With one final glance at his brother, Matthew mentally said goodbye to his life. 

The van doors loudly slammed behind him. Only one guard was stationed to be with him in the back of the van. The officer was grey and heavy bags outlined the bottom of his eyes. Even so he kept his sharp eyes on Matthew, his hand always positioned to the gun by his belt. Matthew didn't look at the officer for too long as shame quickly filled him, instead kept his gaze on his shackled feet.

The officers never bothered to put the seat belt on Matthew so as the van rolled down the road every bump made Matthew jolt into the air and hit his head. At one point his glasses were sent flying from his face and right in front of the officer. Instead of picking them up and handing them back to Matthew, the officer pretended not to see them and instead crushed the glasses under his feet.

"Opps," mumbled the officer, picking up the broken pieces. "Looks like we'll have to get you a new set."

Laughter bubbled inside the officer and infected the other two officers sitting in the front of the van. All three of them laughed as Matthew was handed back what was left of his glasses.

I deserve this. I deserve this. I deserve this.

Matthew rested the back of his head on the side of the van, his eyes closed in an attempt to forget this current nightmare. 

"Do I take a left or right on King Street?" asked the driving officer.

"A right, then Pentkuck is right up Second Street," replied the officer with Matthew.

"Got it, boss."

The van sped up slightly causing Matthew to once again slam his head on the van. He tightened his fists along the shattered glasses. Sharp pain shot along his hands as something dug inside his palm. Matthew was beyond caring. The pain almost felt good, it gave him a strange sense of reassurance. He was still alive, still there. He wasn't invisible; something which he had almost believed for his entire life. 

The van eventually came to a halt and the two officers stationed at the front of the van strolled towards the back. They yanked opened the doors and grabbed Matthew by his upper arms. They dragged him out of the van.

Matthew was almost stunned by the view which caressed his blurry vision. He imagined Pentkuck to look run down with vines running up the brick work, overgrown weeds in the gardens, and a few boarded up windows from berserk inmates. He imagined something straight from a horror movie. 

What he never imagined was Pentkuck looking almost like a resort. The building was like a mansion, littered outside were pots of blooming flowers, the building looked almost new and seemed to fit a billionaire; not the criminal insane.

The officers handed Matthew over to two men and a woman - all dressed in crisp white. The woman even offered him a wheelchair, he declined the offer. The men never said anything but Matthew didn't feel any hostility from them - unlike the officers who were preparing themselves to return to the van. 

The woman gestured for Matthew to follow her inside the building. Matthew nodded his head slowly and allowed the woman to take the led. The two men stood behind Matthew, walking a few paces slower than his own. 

The inside of the building looked just as fresh as the outside. The walls were painted a very light brown, the floor was shiny and cleaning products created an almost sickening aroma. There was even a cat roaming along the hallways. A few of the inmates were following the cat, trying to tempt it with treats.

"That's Millie," said the woman. "She's helped a lot of the inmates here. Many of the inmates sign up to take care of her." She looked back at Matthew. "Would you like to be part of that?"

Matthew looked at the grey tabby cat as she cleaned her paw. The cat felt Matthew's gaze on her and lifted her head up. Matthew found it almost ironic that a cat had more freedom than him.

"Sure," mumbled Matthew to the woman.

"Great," the woman smiled and wrote something down on her chart. 

The four of them stopped at a small medical room. The two men undid the locks around Matthew's ankles and wrist. On the bed were grey cotton clothes which the woman picked up and handed to Matthew. 

"Your physiatrist will be here shortly, so you'll just have to wait here and get changed," the woman gave one last smile to Matthew before leaving the room along with one of the men.

The other man sat down on a small plastic chair by the bed and gestured to a door within the room. 

"It's a bathroom, you can get changed in there," was all he muttered.

Matthew hurried into the tiny bathroom and stripped out of the blue jumpsuit given to him by his previous jailers. He pulled on the soft grey clothes and little white booties before exiting the bathroom. 

The man still sat on the plastic chair reading a magazine. Since the only other seat was by a desk Matthew, asumed that was for the physcaitrist, hoisted himself up on the bed to sit. For five minutes he sat looking around the bare room. Every once in a while he'd turn his head to look out the open door at one of the inmates. A group of them were fixated on giving the cat treats but she never gave into their offers. Others would just idly past by to get to another place in the building. Then there were the few which made Matthew's blood run cold. 

Some screamed out their lungs and clawed at their own faces until someone came and restrained them. Matthew feared the fact that he now shared a home with such people.

Eventually the physiatrist came and closed over the door just as someone was sedating a man who was trying to bite off his own feet. The man dubbed as Matthew's physiatrist was a short man with choppy blond hair cut into a bob which reached his chin. The man barely glanced at Matthew as he speedily strolled to the wheeled chair by the desk.

"Hello, I am Dr. Zwingli," he quickly muttered, typing something into the computer. He pushed the chair closer to Matthew and pulled a pen light from his pocket. "I'll do this as quickly as I can Mr. Williams.” He flashed the light quickly in Matthew's eyes.

Dr. Zwingli wheeled the chair back to the desk before having his fingers fly across the keyboard. "I've read over your medical file and while you're here your dosage for amisulpride will be made higher."

Matthew's head perked up. "But the tremors and-"

Dr. Zwingli gave Matthew a sharp look which made him look back down at his feet. He knew eventually his medication would be set up to a higher dosage but he had hoped to prolong such invenibility. 

Zwingli stopped typing on the computer and picked up the chart he brought in with him. "Keith here will make sure you take the correct dosage every day," he gestured to the sitting man. "Any other questions?"

Matthew shook his head and the doctor stood up from the seat. "Good," he said, tucking the chart under his arm. "Keith, show Mr. William's around then take him to room..." the doctor looked down at his chart and made a face.” Three-seven."

"The one with Mr. Machado?" Keith also pulled a face. "Good luck Mr. Williams."

Dr. Zwingli gave a nod to the two men before quickly exiting the medical room. 

Keith stood up and walked towards the door while Matthew jumped off the bed to follow him. Keith showed him the few common rooms Pentkuck had. Although only a few inmates were actually in them. Those that were sat idly on the plump couches allowing themselves to indulge in some form of comfort. Few played board games on the floor while lying on their bellies. One of the common rooms had a television in it; a crowd was gathered to view whatever was on. 

Despite the lush furniture a chill always sat on Matthew's spine. Many of the inmates were twitchy, some sat in corners rocking to and fro, a seldom few tried to mutilate themselves by any means. At one point Keith had to leave Matthew in the middle of a hallway to try and roughly stop one man from beating his head against a wall. 

"Sorry about that," Keith said, returning to where he had left Matthew. "Old Man Richey does that a lot."

Matthew didn't say anything just merely nodded.

"You'll get use to this place eventually," Keith murmured as they walked up a flight of stairs.

Matthew mumbled a reply which didn't seem to reach Keith's ears. 

The stairs took them up to the inmates’ rooms. Matthew's room was in Ward F. A lot of the room doors were wide open and mostly vacant but some held other inmates. It was passing those rooms that true fear set itself in Matthew's gut. The inmates that were still in their rooms seemed even crazier than the ones Matthew had first encountered. Two men alone in their room were whispering to each other. Just as they were passing by the room one of them brought out a knife and carved it into the other mans flesh. However, he never cried out, in fact that second man seemed to enjoy the shiny blade slicing across his skin. A moan of ecstasy even escaped his mouth.

Matthew walked quicker beside Keith as they passed by more rooms. To the left of Matthew he saw another man alone in his cell clawing at the walls and meowing like a kitten. The man even licked at the walls as he purred.

Many of the members of staff were man handling a few of inmates which almost shocked Matthew. However, it never got too rough to warrant true surprise from Matthew. Most of these people seemed violent so it was only natural that the nurses would have to take slightly more drastic measures.

A few doors down, another man sat on his bed with his trousers by his ankles violently tugging at his member, there even seemed to be small trickles of blood seeping from between his fingers. The man caught Matthew's eyes on him and smiled a toothless grin. What little food was in Matthew's stomach made a threat of resurfacing. Another room not far from the violent masturbator had its door shut but inside someone was screaming like a banshee.

"Fuck you! Fuck you!" someone screamed. 

Keith banged on the door. "Mr. Smith, if you don't stop I'm going to have you sedated and sent to isolation for the day," the authority in Keith's voice was frightening.

The door opened and out stood a lanky looking man with rusty teeth. "Oh, I'm sorry Keith," he said with fake earnest. "Hey how's your mother?"

Keith's hand twitched.

"I heard she took a fall the other day." the inmate crossed his arms and leaned on the door frame. "You know I keep picturing that fall. Her tumbling down the steps, laying there all unconscious," Mr. Smiths voice almost had a strange dream like tone in it. There was a creepy build up in his voice too which give Matthew the impression that he was about to do something dangerous. "Over and over I keep picturing your little mama laying there. And every time I do I just end up with this great big stiffy!" Mr. Smith leaned back and grabbed his crotch. "Woulda been a great time to have her from behind then."

Keith snapped and grabbed Mr. Smiths arms behind him then pinned him up against the cell wall. 

"Ohh, not to rough Keith," Mr. Smith said through manic laughter. "You know I'm a delicate little flower."

Keith pulled out a needle and jabbed it into Mr. Smith's arm. Within second Mr. Smith slid along the wall and lost the strength to keep his eyes open. Panting Keith ran a hand through his hair and spoke into a walkie talkie strapped to his shoulder. 

"Inmate Three-sixty has been sedated, can someone come up here and take him to isolation."

Keith went back to Matthew who could merely stand sweating with his mouth slightly agape. Keith never said a word and almost shoved Matthew towards his room.

All of the inmates in their rooms acted like animals at a zoo. Just showing off as someone walked by their enclosure. Matthew didn't want to be put along side these apes as they made a ruckus but it was his punishment for committing such an animalistic act himself.

I am an animal. I am an animal. I am an animal.

The two stopped at Matthew's new home. He opened up the cell door and found a tanned man pulling himself up on a bar a cigar stuck into the edge of his mouth filling the room which tobacco smelling smoke.

"Mr. Machado what have I told you about smoking?" 

The dark man dropped from the bar and turned to face them. Matthew gulped at the size of the thick man. 

Mr. Machado let the smoke from the cigar enter his mouth before blowing it in Keith's face.

"Don't irritate me today Carlos," said Keith, grabbing the cigar and stomping it out on the floor. "I've all ready had to sedate Smith; don't make me-"

"Shit," interrupted Carlos. "Is that why he's suddenly gone quiet? Thank god for that." Carlos' eyes turned to Matthew, he folded his arms and looked him up and down. "Who's this?"

"This is Matthew Williams, Mr. Williams this is Carlos Machado," Keith introduced.

Matthew almost extended his hand out as a formal greeting but then quickly remembered he wasn't human any more and left his hand by his side. Any form of proper human interaction he once took would now be banned. He didn't want to allow himself to partake in the human acts he once did. He didn't deserve such a luxury.

I deserve this! I deserve this! I deserve this!

"Matthew, uh?"

Matthew nodded towards Carlos who stood back allow Matthew entrance to his new room.

"Good now I can get back to work," said Keith, more than a little irritated. "I'll see you at super time Matthew for your night time dosage."

With those final words Keith left.

Carlos pointed to the empty bed on the left of the room. Actually the whole of his left side was bare, only white brick walls surrounded. While the right side occupied by Carlos was adorned with family photos, little ornaments, and a box of cigars lay open on his pillow.

"Want one?" offered Carlos, holding out the box to Matthew. 

"No thank you," Matthew quietly said.

Carlos shrugged. "Suit yourself," he said, sticking a thick brown cigar in his mouth and sparking up a match to ignite the end. 

Blowing out some smoke Carlos heaved himself back onto the bar and began to pull himself up and down once again. He never spoke to Matthew, which Matthew was actually grateful for. He lay on the bed and stared at the wall, if he wanted to then that moment would have been a perfect opportunity to cry himself to sleep. However, crying was something humans did and he was far from human.

I am an animal. I am an animal. I am an animal.

I deserve this. I deserve this. I deserve this.


	2. Chapter 2: Innocent Killer

Carlos had long stopped pulling himself up and down on the bar and instead took to playing with a deck of cards. At first he was going to ask if Matthew wanted to join him but the young man seemed more interested in the blank wall. After about two hours of pure silence Carlos started to wonder if perhaps Matthew had fallen asleep. However the man stirred every few seconds. Eventually he turned to lay on his other side and faced Carlos.

Carlos stubbed out his cigar and flicked a few cards on the bed. "So what did you do?" he asked.

"I thought you weren't supposed to ask those questions?" said Matthew, hoisting himself up on his elbow.

"In jail maybe, Pentkuck; not so much," Carlos pouted his bottom lip and shook his head. However, Matthew stayed silent, causing Carlos to ask his question again. "So...what did you do?"

Matthew took in a deep breath. He hadn't said his crime out loud before but knew eventually he would have to tell his room-mate. For some strange reason he felt comfortable telling his fellow criminal insane roomie.

"I killed three people," he said, trying to keep his voice from wavering. 

"Shit," said Carlos, clearly not expecting it. "Never woulda expected a kind lookin' guy like yourself to have done that."

"I don't know if that's a compliment," said Matthew, easing himself on his back with his arms behind his head.

"Take it however you see fit," said Carlos, a smirk on his lips.

A few more moments of silence drifted between the two, only the sound of Carlos flicking his cards could be heard. Eventually Matthew hungered for someone to talk to. For months he had been held up in a cell all on his own. Only being able to speak to his lawyer every couple of months. Once his brother had tried to contact him but Matthew refused to even look in his general direction.

Alfred. Matthew missed his younger brother dearly, one of the few people who hadn't ignored him.

Eventually Matthew spoke up again. "What did you do?"

It took Carlos a second to process the question. "Oh, me? I'm innocent."

Matthew was taken back. Carlos looked like a thug what with his intimidating aura and thick body built, so he found it hard to believe that the man was innocent. Carlos saw the surprised look on Matthew's face and let out a hearty laugh.

"My girl was killed by a bunch of gang bangers, so I started to follow them around. Plotting revenge you see," Carlos started to tell his tale. "Turns out these guy were part of this real shitty gang and clearly pissed off the wrong guys they found out I was spying on 'em and framed me for kill 'em."

"Wow," murmured Matthew.

"Lawyer told me I was best just pleading insanity, best bet I had. I told him he could suck himself off and he told me it was either go here or face death row."

Matthew's own lawyer had told him to do the same thing. 

"So how long have you got here?" Carlos asked.

"Life," Matthew mumbled, feeling his face for his missing glasses.

"Fuck," Carlos sniggered. "I got twenty-five to life. And I thought that was harsh."

"At least you might be able to get out," said Matthew, putting his hand back behind his head. "How long have you been here for anyway?"

"Eleven years so far...only fourteen more years and I can try to get outta this hell," he shuffled the cards.

Someone in another room started to scream. The scream caused Matthew to jolt up right and almost quiver from fright. However, Carlos just continued to shuffle his cards.

"You'll get used to that," Carlos said. "You'll have to."

Matthew shook his head and tried to calm down his rapid sweating. Carlos took pity on the convicted killer. It was a shame that such a sharp lad would now be stuck here for the remainder of his life. Carlos knew the boy wouldn't be cut out for life here so he mentally decided to take Matthew under his wing. It was either that or watch as Matthew slowly became like the other creepy inmates who screamed for any reason.

"You wanna play?" Carlos held up the deck.

"Play what?" 

Matthew sat on the edge of the bed and positioned his elbows on his keens, trying desperately to keep himself from shaking.

"You decide?"

Matthew thought for a few seconds. Back home him and Alfred used to play 'Go Fish' an awful lot and at first he was going to suggest that. However, the memory of his brother was far too painful and instead Matthew just said, "Blackjack?"

Carlos smiled and sat up on the edge of his own bed. He shuffled the cards again and handed two to Matthew. Matthew nodded at Carlos and mumbled a 'thank you'. 

The two inmates played with the cards until a someone loudly called, "Supper!"

Carlos gathered up the cards and groaned loudly before standing up. Matthew mimicked the mans movements and followed him out of the cell.

Matthew took note of the fact that it was night-time and yet they were serving a meal.

"Why do they serve dinner so late?" he asked Carlos, as they walked down the halls.

"It's not dinner," Carlos said. "They served dinner just before you arrived. At supper they give us our nightly meds and a snack really."

"What do they serve?" asked Matthew, trying hard not to look any of the other inmates in the eye.

"Toast mostly, they give you a piece of fruit too," Carlos shrugged his shoulders and pushed past a few of the slower inmates.

The two arrived at their desiccated dinning hall. According to the tour Keith had previously given him, each ward was assigned to its own hall for meal times. Each inmate was to line up by the serving counter, before they got their meal every inmate should take their medication in front of a member of staff before taking their tray of food.

Matthew lined up behind Carlos. Looking around the room Matthew noticed the group who were trying to entice Millie with treats. The tabby cat was perched up on their table, eating out of her own tray along with them. The group gently stroked her as she nibbled at her food. Matthew found it strange to see such gentleness in such a hostile place.

After a few minutes of waiting Carlos reached Keith who was handing out the medication, which was stored in small paper cups. Carlos tipped his head back then swallowed a small sip of water before opening his mouth a small way for Keith. 

"Next," said Keith as Carlos collected his tray of food then went to find a seat.

Matthew was handed his small cup and he looked inside. More pills. Matthew had been on pills like these for most of his life. Every time his dosage was made higher he always felt glum. Forever he would be a slave to the white medication. Forced to endure the side effects that went along with them. 

He tipped the pills into his mouth and dry swallowed them, refusing to take a sip of water offered to him. Keith told him to open his mouth and Matthew obliged. 

"Lift your tongue," said Keith.

Matthew found it odd that Keith didn't ask Carlos to lift his own tongue. However, Matthew never disobeyed. He placed his tongue to the roof of his mouth and Keith quickly called, "Next!"

A silver tray was thrusted into Matthew's hands containing two slices of dry toast, a cup of orange juice and a green apple. Matthew looked down at his tray then shuffled away in search of Carlos. He found the Cuban man at a table near the window. Matthew set down his tray before sitting.

"Who said you could sit here?" said Carlos, his face stone.

Matthew stopped and looked at Carlos, his face turning beat red. "I just...I-"

"Yeah well you thought..." Carlos tried hard to control his laughter but it escaped either way. "I pullin' your leg. Sit down."

Matthew let out a long breath and lowered himself down on his seat. Carlos continued to laugh at the practical joke he had just pulled on his new roomie. He could see the panic slowly fade away from Matthew's face. Perhaps a decade ago Carlos would have felt guilty for playing such a joke on the poor young man but after spending so long in a place like Pentkuck Carlos had very few reasons to laugh anymore.

"Please don't do that again," whispered Matthew, holding up a slice of toast to his mouth.

Carlos chuckled but nodded his head nevertheless. "Keep an eye out on the nurses for me will ya?"

Matthew looked up from his tray and moved his eyes along the room. Many of the nurses were preoccupied with giving out medication and meals. The few that weren't had the task of calming down a few berserk inmates. One nurse was even holding down an inmate, forcing food down his throat. Matthew shuddered and set his gaze on Carlos who was spitting something into his hand. Matthew leaned over slight and tried to narrow his eyes in order to stop the blurriness his glasses left behind.

"What are you doing?" he asked, quietly.

Carlos opened his hand in front of Matthew's face exposing his unswallowed pills.

Matthew's mouth went slack. "You didn't take them?"

Carlos wrapped the capsules in a napkin then shoved it in his pocket. "I'm not crazy, these people only think I am."

"Is that why Keith didn't ask you to hold up your tongue?" questioned Matthew.

"We have a deal," Carlos shrugged his shoulders and took a bite out of his apple. 

"And that deal is?" Matthew wasn't sure if he should ask such a question but it escaped his mouth before he had any second thoughts.

Carlos smirked through the apple in his mouth. "A lot of people can't cope in here. Especially those in other wards. So they come to me for some...help."

"So you're like a drug dealer?" Matthew tried to hide the shock in his voice but it seeped out anyway. 

Carlos' eyes narrowed at the boy. "Look," he snapped at Matthew. "I do what I can to help people. Granted I get some things in return but I'm helping anyway. If that makes me a dealer then I'm a dealer."

Matthew dropped his gaze and continued to eat the dry toast. The two didn't speak again until they were ushered back into their cell for lights out. 

Carlos seemed to fall asleep almost instantly, Matthew had a lot more trouble. Their room door was left wide open as were all the other rooms. At the end of the ward two heavy looking guards were stationed, every hour they would get up and check along the rooms, making sure everyone was still in their beds. 

It was around the third time the guards did their checks on the cells that Carlos spoke to Matthew again.

"First night's always hard," he mumbled quietly. The Cuban man turned to face Matthew before reaching underneath his bed and handing a book to Matthew.

"I can't see," Matthew pointed to his eyes. "My glasses broke before I got here."

"Oh," Carlos put the book back under his bed. "Ask your physiatrist for a new pair tomorrow."

Matthew nodded. "I will."

"Who did you get anyway?" Carlos prodded himself up on one elbow.

"Dr. Zwingli," shrugged Matthew.

Carlos let out a toothy smile. "The Swiss guy? Oh, he's good. Needs to work on his bedside manner but he's good at his job. He'll get you a pair soon."

There was a screech from one of the rooms and a stationed guard ran past their room to deal with the disturbance. Matthew flinched again at such a sudden noise.

"Are all the wards like this?" Matthew questioned, assuming that Carlos would know.

"Just Ward F," Carlos commented, craning his neck trying to see out the door. "Ward F holds the really fucked up criminals."

"You mean murders?" Matthew said, having small flashes of his crime in his head.

"Yup," Carlos nodded his head. "A lot of these guys here are total fuckin' physcos. My first night here I got stabbed by that Smith asshole." Carlos pulled up his shirt, exposing a small scar near his hip.

Matthew remembered the rusty toothed man Keith sedated earlier in that day. "He seemed really creepy," mentioned Matthew.

"They should make an even harsher ward for that sonofabitch," Carlos grumbled. "Scratch that, they need a new institution for that crazy fucker."

"Why is he in here?" asked Matthew. "Did he kill a lot of people."

"Worse," said Carlos. 

"How worse?" Matthew wondered what could be worse than murder. 

There was a flash of real anger and hatred on his face. "He..." Carlos struggled to get the words out, it was like if he even so much as spoke Smiths actual crime then he was just as guilty. "Destroyed a lot of little girls."

Matthew bolted up right. "You mean he rap-"

"Yeah, the only mercy he showed to those girls was ending their lives before he could destroy them even more," Carlos quickly cut Matthew off. "Whatever you do, steer well clear of him, Matthew."

Carlos turned his back to Matthew in hopes of getting some more sleep. It left Matthew alone again in his thoughts. Matthew knew that he was an animal for doing such a horrific act but Smith was a new breed of animal. One who could never regain any hope of cure for his insanity. 

Matthew had a strange feeling of glad sped through him. If he was still in jail then he'd be on death row. However, here he knew he'd had much more to deal with. This was a better payment for killing those innocent people before. If Matthew had accepted death then his punishment would have been over quickly. He deserved to stay in a hospital along side insane killers and rapists. 

I am an animal. I am an animal. I am an animal.

I deserve this. I deserve this. I deserve this.


	3. Chapter 3: Mill Mill Mill

Matthew found it surprising that he awoke the next morning. He was sure that he hadn't gotten even a wink of sleep. However, a nurse did come to rouse both him and Carlos for breakfast.

Breakfast was the same as supper. All the inmates in Ward F lined up to take their medication then their trays of food - cereal, a slice of toast, a slice of butter, a cup of jam, along with orange juice.

When Matthew stopped in front of Keith he swallowed his pill dosage but Keith stopped him from progressing to his food. "After breakfast come and see me. I'll take you to your appointment with Dr. Zwingli."

Matthew nodded to the man and went to take his breakfast.

Carlos was at the same table by the window as last night. Matthew joined him and was thankful he didn't pull any joke on him that morning.

"What did Keith want?" Carlos asked, dunking his plastic spoon in the cereal.

Matthew buttered on half of his toast. "I have an appointment with my physiatrist. Keith's taking me to him."

"Remember about your glasses," Carlos gestured to Matthew's eyes with his spoon. 

Matthew nodded. "You sound like my mother." Matthew felt himself smile but quickly pushed the thought of his family out of his head. He didn't deserve a family.

Carlos smiled at the blond man. "Well," he slapped Matthew's arm. "Someone has to look out for ya."

Matthew felt a pang tug at his heart. Kindness was the last thing he expected to see here. He almost felt guilty for allowing someone to show him such kindness but without Carlos perhaps Matthew would become like the violent masturbator, or the two lovers in the cell two doors down who cut each other, or even like-

"Miss me?" called a voice.

The rusty toothed Smith walked into the dining hall accompanied by a nurse who tried to shh him. Smith ignored the nurse and went to take his medication. Keith tried hard to control his anger but it still showed through via his clenched jaw line and narrowed eyes.

"No hard feelings, eh?" Smith said to Keith who merely handed him his medication.

Carlos' head slumped down in disappointment. "I hoped they'd keep him in isolation longer. Shit," hissed Carlos.

Matthew turned his head to look at Smith as he grabbed his tray of food. A slap on the head from Carlos made him turn back his head to his food.

"Don't look at him," hissed Carlos, continuing to idly eat his cereal.

Matthew listened as Smith went from table to table, chatting with some of the inmates. There was a sinister tone in his voice as he spoke and scared a lot of the more fragile inmates. It wasn't until he reached the group who were so attached to the tabby cat, Millie that Carlos intervened.

Smith sat in the table with the three. One of them took hold of Millie and clutched her gently in his arms. The man was scared of Smith. As Matthew looked around the room they all seemed to be. Even Carlos was uneasy with Smith being in the room. 

"Leave them alone, Smith!" Carlos said loudly, just as Smith was about to try and stroke the cat.

Smith took his try and marched over to the table where Matthew and Carlos sat. Matthew avoided looking directly at Smith as he sat next to Carlos.

"There's my favourite big innocent," Smith licked his lips. "Still claiming that?"

"Piss off, Smith," said Carlos with controlled hate.

Smith held up his hands and let out a gross wet laugh. "Whoa there Carly, I think you should tone down your attitude."

Matthew felt Smith's gaze turn to him. Matthew felt dirty just by having Smith's eyes roll up and down him. He wanted to run out of the room and take a bleach shower.

"Oh, yeah. I remember you." Smith took his hand and grabbed Matthew's chin, making him look directly at him. "Look at how pretty he is, Carly."

"Lay off, Smith," Carlos said sternly, but Smith kept a strong hold on Matthew's jaw.

"If you squint your eyes he looks just like a girl." Smith tilted his head and licked his lips. "Actually you don't even have to squint your eyes. Are you a girl, sweetheart?" He evilness in Smith's voice almost made Matthew sick. Matthew tried to jerk his head backwards and out of Smith's hand but the other inmate had too strong a hold on him.

Seeing how uncomfortable Matthew was Carlos stood up suddenly. "Fuck off, Smith," he said.

"Inmates!" Keith ran towards their table. "Mr. Machado, please sit down; before I have all of you thrown into isolation."

Carlos sat slowly back down in his seat not taking his eyes off of Smith who had dropped his hand from Matthew's face. Smith stood up and brushed past Keith, bumping his shoulder with his own.

"See you later, sweetheart," Smith turned back and winked at Matthew. A shiver ran up Matthew's spine.

Matthew no longer wanted to stay in the dining hall so he stopped Keith before he moved away from the table.

"My appointment," he said, tapping Keith's arm.

Keith nodded his head and gestured for Matthew to follow him out of the room. As they exited the room Matthew took a glance at Smith who sat alone, his eyes zoned in on Matthew. Smith blew a kiss towards Matthew and he almost threw up what little he eat of his breakfast.

* * *

Matthew sat alone with Dr. Zwingli who was going through some routine questions with him. Over his lifetime Matthew had been asked the same questions by various other physiatrists, the only differences between them and Dr. Zwingli was that he got through them much more quickly. Matthew was actually grateful for that. Many other doctors he had seen talked slowly and treated Matthew as if he was a loose tiger. Those doctors were right about that. At least now the tiger was caged no longer able to feed.

Once Dr. Zwingli was finished with his questions Matthew expected him to leave the little office but Zwingli continued with a few more questions Matthew didn't expect.

"How are you finding it here?" asked the Swiss doctor.

Matthew took a second to answer. "Sleeping is difficult."

Dr. Zwingli nodded his head and typed a few things into a computer. "I'm going to prescribe a mild sleeping tablet for you to take at night for the next few weeks. That should help you ease into a nightly routine."

Matthew nodded his head, "thank you."

"Is there anything else you'd like to talk about before we take our leave?" asked Dr. Zwingli.

Matthew remembered about his broken glasses. "Before I came here I broke my glasses, I was wondering if I could get another pair."

"Do you not have a spare pair at home?" asked the doctor. "Your personal belongs should arrive shortly."

"I do but..." Matthew trailed off.

"But what Mr. Williams?" 

Matthew let out a breath. "I didn't ask for any belongings."

Dr. Zwingli leaned forward slightly, propping his elbows on the table. "Why, Mr. Williams?"

"I...I," Matthew almost chocked on the words. "I don't want my brother involved with me. To get my personal belongings I'd have to ask him to arrange it for me."

Dr. Zwingli nodded his head and scribbled something down. "I see."

The doctor pushed back his chair slightly and opened a drawer in his desk. "Fortunately I do have a spare pair of glasses here. I don't know if they're anything like your prescription but here." He pushed wire glasses to Matthew who took them and nodded a thank you.

Matthew pushed on the glasses and felt significantly better. While they weren't as strong as his own glasses they did stop a lot of the blurriness. Matthew would still have to strain his eyes to see things far away but now he wouldn't have to squint his eyes to see something which was right in front of his nose. 

Dr. Zwingli ended their session and told Matthew that he would see him once every two weeks. Matthew thanked the doctor before exiting the office. 

The hallway outside Dr. Zwingli office was surprisingly empty, which Matthew was thankful for. It meant he wouldn't have to see any crazed inmates for a while. Just as Matthew was about to head for the staircase a purring noise made him look down. Millie rubbed herself around Matthew's ankles, purring softly up to the inmate.

Matthew couched down and held out his hand for the cat to smell. She then felt safe enough with Matthew to rub herself under his hand. Matthew grinned at the cat and stroked her back as she let out little meows and purrs. There was a strange sense of relaxation that washed over Matthew as he felt along the grey tabby cats back. 

Matthew sat on the back of his feet prompting Millie to sit on the blond mans lap. At one point the cat was comfortable enough to roll on her back and expose her belly to Matthew.

The relaxation ended when the three inmates who normally were with Millie entered the hallway. The three were startled to see Millie act so casually with Matthew.

"Mill, Mill, Mill," the smallest one gargled, a treat in his hand.

The cat perked up and pranced towards the treat, nibbling it out of the inmates hand. Once the cat was finished with its treat the smallest man picked the cat up and cuddled it in his arms. Matthew got up off his knees and looked at the three. The smallest one seemed to be the most twitchy, but the cat calmed him down a great deal as he swayed her back and forth.

"Mill, Mill, Mill," he sang to the cat as he rocked her in his arms. "Mill, Mill, Mill."

"Were you going to hurt her?" asked the inmate in the middle. 

He was taller than the smallest man cradling the cat but a lot more skinnier. Matthew shook his head.

"She cute," Matthew said, smiling at the three hoping that would gain enough of their trust to prompt them to leave.

"You're new?" said the tallest inmate, his voice sounded slightly intimidating. 

Matthew nodded his head. 

The smallest man, who still held the tabby cat tightly looked up at Matthew. "He's with Car, Car gives me night night pills. Though Mill can't get any. No, no, not for Mill. Mill, Mill, Mill."

The middle inmate took a step towards Matthew. "What's your name?" he asked, looking Matthew up and down.

"M-Matthew," mumbled Matthew.

The harden look on the inmates face softened slightly, he looked back at his two companions who both nodded. 

"Tino," said the middle inmate. "The one with the cat is Hughie and the big scary guy is Berwald."

Matthew looked at all three and nodded his head. "Nice to meet you all."

The smallest inmate bounced up to Matthew and held up the cat. Millie licked the tip of Matthew's nose and let out a small purr of affection. "Mill likes," laughed Hughie. "Mill likes! Mill, Mill, Mill."

Tino put his hands on Hughie's shoulders and started to escort him out of the hallway. Berwald followed his two companions out of the hall, not before giving Matthew a slight nod goodbye. Matthew returned the nod.

Matthew began to climb the stairs leading up to his ward. Carlos was pulling himself up and down on the bar again when Matthew entered the room. He dropped down on the floor with a thump when Matthew sat down on his bed.

"How'd you session with Zwingli go?" he asked through panted breaths. "I see you got a pair of glasses."

"They're not my prescription but they'll do for now," commented Matthew. "He also gave me some sleeping pills."

"Sleeping pills?" Carlos said, intrigued. "You'd make a good fortune selling those things here."

"Really?" questioned Matthew, his eyebrow raised. "What good is money here?"

Carlos shook his head. "Not money. Items."

"Such as?" Matthew pushed up his glasses, they felt significantly lighter than his old pair.

"Whatever people can smuggle in," Carlos said, grabbing a towel from the foot of his bed. "You can ask for things in exchange."

"Is that what you do?" asked Matthew.

Carlos patted his neck with the towel and nodded his head. "I can't just give meds away for free. People'll take advantage if I do. I usually ask for little things. Cigars mostly."

"How would I get them past Keith though? Doesn't he only allow you to not take your pills?" Matthew asked.

"Keep them in the sides of your cheeks, he never checks there." Carlos pointed near his cheek bone. "Though watch out for Brenda, only way to get pills past her is to regurgitate them."

Matthew pulled a gross face. "That doesn't sound too appealing."

"If you wanna keep your customers happy then you do what you gotta do." Carlos threw down his towel. "I'm actually about to pick up my payments right now. You can come with me and see how I work if you want."

At first Matthew was going to refuse Carlos' offer. However, the idea of him being somewhat like a dealer gave him a strange thrill which he had never felt before. Matthew was always rather docile before he entered Pentkuck. He kept himself to himself and tried his best not to do anything bad. Now that he was here he figured that he may as well do something dangerous for once - after all he had committed one of the ultimate sins so hell already had a special place for him. 

"Okay then," Matthew stood up and walked out of the room.

Carlos flashed a toothy grin and patted Matthew on the back. "Alright then!"

The two wandered into the east common room first. It was much more filled than the last time Matthew visited the place. Matthew didn't stop to look around the room and instead followed Carlos, making sure not to keep any eye contact with the inmates. 

The first inmate Carlos visited gave him a dirty magazine. "It was printed last week so it's not been used," said the inmate. Carlos rolled his eyes but accepted the offer either way. 

Carlos didn't do much chit-chatting with his customers. He merely took his payment and moved onto the next person. In the east common room Carlos could only find three of his customers. Excluding the dirty magazine, Carlos received a few cigars and matches in addition to bag of hard boiled sweets. 

Once they were out of the east common room Carlos and Matthew returned to their room.

"I do the east after breakfast and the west after lunch," Carlos commented, putting the cigars into his box. "Want these?" he held up the bag of sweets.

Matthew took the bag. "I take it then that after dinner you give out the pills?"

Pleased, Carlos grinned. "You catch on quick, Matthew."

Matthew's face went red at the compliment. "Thank you."

Matthew opened the packet of sweets and sat on his bed. It had been a long time since he had tasted such sugary goodness. It took every ounce of will in his body to control himself from devouring every single sweet in the bag. The first one he sucked on was a sour apple flavour. The sourness was strong enough to make Matthew scrunch up his face but he enjoyed the experience anyway. 

Carlos took back to the bar and did a few more pull ups. "So?"

"So what?" said Matthew, the sweet still in his mouth.

"You thinkin' about starting your own business?" Carlos suggested.

There was a strange sense of bitterness in Carlos' voice. Matthew guessed it was because he was the only person who dealed in Pentkuck. Matthew didn't want to make an enemy out of Carlos. However, at the same time he saw a good opportunity.

"It's a good idea," mumbled Matthew. "But I don't think I could do this myself." He looked up at Carlos who was still pulling himself up and down. "Does your business have room for a partner?"

Carlos dropped down and smirked. "Y'know I have been lookin' for one for a while now." He extended his hand. "So far your the best candidate."

Matthew shook hands with Carlos and the deal was made. 

Even though Carlos saw himself as doing something good Matthew knew the two would just be glorified drug dealers. The job Matthew now took was fitting for someone as animalistic as him. If he was an animal then this job would suit him perfectly.

I am an animal. I am an animal. I am an animal.

I deserve this. I deserve this. I deserve this.


	4. Chapter 4: Wrong Use of Wheelchairs

After lunch, Carlos and Matthew sat in their cell talked business. They both decided that everything they had would be shared. They both promised that whatever payment one of them received they would bring back to the cell so the two could divide everything. Carlos also suggested that they keep track of each others customers so as to not have anyone overdosing on medication. Matthew made the suggestion that Carlos kept a hold of all the medication they were able to sneak out. Carlos agreed and showed Matthew a secret compartment in his cigar box which held all the pills.

"I'll put them all here," Carlos said.

"What kind of medication do they give you anyway?" Matthew questioned.

"A mild anti-psychotic and there's a few anti-depressants’ here too which have a sedative in them." Matthew reached in and held up a blue capsule. "The anti-depressants are what people really go for. These things knock you out cold."

"So if I keep hold of my sleeping medication then we'll be able to get more things?" Matthew asked, putting the little pill back in its place.

"Exactly, I've been turning away customers now because I've almost run out," Carlos closed the box.

Just before his roomie closed the cigar box Matthew noticed a few tiny yellow pills. "What are the yellow ones for?"

A strange look dressed Carlos' face. "Y'know that small guy who's always got that cat with him?"

"Hughie? Yeah I met him," Matthew nodded his head. "You give those to him. He mentioned something about you."

"They lowered his dosage so I give him some of mine. He pays me in cat treats," Carlos sniggered.

Matthew mentally pictured the crazy small man. He actually seemed pretty young, no older than twenty-one. Matthew actually found the young man to seem pretty nice if not a little bit loopy. "What did he do to land himself here?"

"I think he tried to strangle his little sister, claims that demons were trying to get her." Carlos twirled his index finger at the side of his head. "He's a good kid. He's getting out in about six years."

"Six years," Matthew nodded. "That actually doesn't seem so long."

"Weird isn't it?" Carlos asked. "Knowing that from now on this is where you live."

Matthew nodded and an eerie silence cast over them. The thought had never really set itself deep in Matthew's brain expect for that moment. Now his whole life would consist of Pentkuck. Nothing else would exist in his life other than Pentkuck. By Pentkuck he would live and eventually die.

It was Carlos who quickly spoke first. "But I don't like to think 'bout that too much. Thought like that will give you an early grave." He tried to lighten the mood but neither the two felt like laughing.

Slapping his thighs, Carlos stood up and grabbed Matthew's collar. He playfully tossed the blond man out the room. Matthew almost fell on his feet but laughed nevertheless. 

The west common room was strangely rowdy, but not because someone was trying to claw their eyes out, or tare off their skin using only their teeth. In fact there was neither violence nor creepy vibe coming from the room. Carlos and Matthew pushed through the small crowd trying to see what all the fuss was about. 

A pale skinned man with sheet white hair was laughing hard as he zoomed up and down on a wheelchair. Occasionally he'd stop tilt back in the chair so only two wheels were rolling on the floor. The inmates clapped along and laughed happily as the man entertained them. 

"I don't think that's the proper use of a wheelchair," chuckled Matthew as he watched the pale man slide the wheelchair along the floor.

As soon as the man spotted Carlos he halted the wheelchair and stood up much to the disappointment of the inmates. Before he went towards Carlos, the man bowed to his audience who clapped for his performance.

The crowd dissolved and went about their way, while the pale man strolled along to Carlos a grin plastered to his face. Matthew couldn't comprehend how happy the man seemed in such a dark place. 

"Carlos," he out stretched his arms and the two shared a quick hug. "Did you enjoy my awesome performance?"

Carlos looked around the room to see the other inmates with little smiles on their faces. "You certainly cheered up this lot."

The man bowed his head slightly in form of a thank you before turning to look at Matthew. "Who's the new guy?" he asked.

"This is Matthew, they moved him to Ward F yesterday," commented Carlos. 

The man took Matthew's hand and shook it tightly. "Nice to meet you Matthew, I'm the awesomely amazing Gilbert."

"Gilbert here is in Ward B, lucky bastard," Carlos jokingly snarled.

"Hey Ward B has its real crazy sonsofbitches," laughed Gilbert. 

Matthew looked between the two as they exchanged small talk. Eventually Carlos asked about his payment. Gilbert nodded and reached down his trouser leg. When his hand came back he held up three cigars and a lighter.

"Damn Gilbert, how'd you manage to get a light in here?" Carlos snatched the items from Gilbert's hand.

Gilbert tapped his nose. "That's for me to know." 

Carlos and Gilbert exchanged smirks between each other then Carlos turned to Matthew. “Matthew here is gonna be my new business partner. Isn’t that right, Matthew?”

Matthew nodded at Carlos who was looking at Gilbert. 

“You two seem like a nice little team,” Gilbert laughed. “Oh, before I forget.” Gilbert reached into the pocket in his hoodie and pulled out a cheap looking watch. “This is for Roderich’s payment.”

Carlos gave the watch a questioning look before taking it from Gilbert’s hand. “Can‘t he pay by himself?”

Gilbert shook his head. “He seems to be taking a weird turn. Then again he‘s always been a total weirdo.”

“Who is Roderich?” Matthew whispered up to Carlos.

“Gilberts cousin,” mumbled Carlos.

“Only by marriage, there‘s no actual way my awesomeness and his lameness could run in the same gene pool,” scoffed Gilbert. “Anyway, I have an appointment. I‘ll see you two after dinner.”

Gilbert rushed past the two dealers and out into the hallway. Matthew watched as the upbeat man raced through the hall. Gilberts hyperactive demeanour was strangely refreshing for Matthew. He’d never met someone like Gilbert, even outside Pentkucks walls.

“What‘s his story?” Matthew asked, Carlos.

Carlos shrugged his shoulders. “Gilbert doesn‘t talk about why he got thrown in here. Whatever it was it couldn‘t have been too bad.”

“How so?” questioned Matthew.

“Ward B holds the more petty criminals in a sense,” commented Carlos as the two walked through the common room. “Gilbert actually gets out in about six months.”

“How lucky,” mumbled Matthew. “What about his cousin?”

“Oh, he‘s in Ward D,” Carlos said, taking a seat on one of the lush couches. “Now that guy is loopy. Stabbed his wife in the stomach, she lived though.”

“That actually doesn‘t seem that bad compared to other people in here,” Matthew mentioned, looking around the room at the slightly happier inmates. 

“She was eight months pregnant.”

Matthew flinched at Carlos’ comment, wishing he could take back his words. “So that‘s why he‘s in Ward D.”

“Yup, he actually doesn‘t come out his room much,” Carlos gestured for Matthew to sit next to him. “The only people he sees is Gilbert, myself and his physiatrist. If he‘s not with them then he stayed up in his room, playing an invisible piano.”

Matthew almost found Roderich comical. He mentally pictured some man sitting alone in Ward D, moving his fingers along the air mimicking stroking keys. Holding in his laughter, Matthew nodded his head at the larger Cuban man.

“Who is his physiatrist anyway?” Matthew questioned.

Carlos took one of his new cigars and inspected it closely. “Same as yours. I think Dr. Zwingli actually took the job here so he could watch out on Roderich.”

“What makes you think that?”

Carlos placed the cigar in his pocket. “According to Gilbert, the two were pretty close when they were kiddies. Zwingli was a kind of mentor for Roderich.”

Matthew nodded his head. “Must be nice, having a close friend look out for you like that. Not only that he has his own cousin paying his debts.” There was a pang of jealousy which filled Matthew’s chest. He pictured Alfred and wondered what he was doing at that moment. Yet, just as the thought entered his head Matthew pushed it aside. He didn’t deserve to think about Alfred, not in a place such as Pentkuck.

“Speaking of which,” Carlos held out the watch towards Matthew. “Want this? It looks to small for me.”

Matthew mumbled a thank you and took the watch from his companions hand. Matthew looked down at the watch as it quietly ticked away. It was odd that Matthew should keep such a thing. Time honestly meant nothing to him now. He wouldn’t need to keep track of it anymore, not now he was sentence to a life inside Pentkuck. Nevertheless he strapped the watch to his wrist. It fit him perfectly.

“Like it?” asked the Cuban man.

Matthew nodded his head. “It looks pretty nice. I‘ve never really worn a watch; ironic that I should now.”

A slight meowing sound made Matthew look down. Millie had strolled over to Matthew and was preparing herself to rub up against his ankles. Matthew smiled down at the cat and looked around to see Hughie standing near the couch.

“Mill wanted to see Glasses,” he sighed with a bright grin. “Here.” Hughie handed Matthew a few cat treats. “Those are Mills special treats. Mill, Mill, Mill.”

Matthew took the treats from Hughie and lowered them to Millie’s nose. She gingerly sniffed the little treat before nibbling at it slowly. Beside him Hughie laughed a childish giggle. Matthew’s heart bleed for the young lad. He seemed so innocent, far too innocent for a place such as Pentkuck. 

“Where are your friends?” Carlos asked. 

“Ti-Ti and Berry went to see the office men,” cheered Hughie, as he sat crossed legged beside Millie.

Matthew looked to Carlos, wondering what ‘office men’ were. Sensing Matthew’s confusion Carlos answered, “he means the physiatrist.”

“That‘s too big a word for Hughie,” said Hughie, hugging his knees and rocking himself back and forth. “No, no, no. Too big for Hughie.” Hughie never took his eyes off Millie who was still eating a treat out of Matthew’s hand.

Carlos put a hand to Matthew’s back and leaned close to his ear. “I‘m gonna finish up with the rest of my payments. I‘ll meet you back at the cell.”

Matthew nodded his head. Glad to stay with the tabby cat and Hughie. The two were such gentle creatures Matthew found himself almost honoured at being able to spend time with them.

“Sure, I‘ll meet you later,” Matthew whispered back.

Carlos went over to Hughie and said goodbye to him. He gave the boys hair a little ruffle before walking over to a few inmates who were standing at the other side of the common room. 

“I like Car,” Hughie spoke up. “Car gives night night pills.”

“Do the ‘night night‘ pills help you sleep, Hughie?” Matthew asked softly, feeding Millie another treat.

Hughie hugged his legs tighter and Matthew worried that he had asked the wrong question. “No,” Hughie rapidly shook his head. “The night night pills take Hughie’s bad dreams away.” Hughie paused for a few seconds, making Matthew feel awkward as he fed Millie more treats. “I don‘t like the bad dreams. I always see Mill there. Mill, Mill, Mill.”

Matthew raised his eyebrow. “You see Millie there. But Millie‘s right here,” Matthew gestured to the cat.

Hughie let out a giddy laugh, as if he was in on a private joke Matthew wasn’t a part of.

“No dumb-dumb,” Hughie rolled his eyes. “That‘s the other Mill. The one in my bad dreams in my Mill. Mill, Mill, Mill.”

Matthew raised his eyebrow at the lad as he stopped hugging his legs. Still on the floor he shuffled himself towards Millie and picked her up. The cat purred affectionally as Hughie rubbed his face along the tabby cats fur. 

“Who’s your Millie then?” questioned Matthew, running a finger along the top of the cats head.

Hughie froze mid-rub. “The demons tried to get my Mill…” he sniffled. “I had to stop them or Mill would go to hell. Mill, Mill, Mill.”

Matthew stared at the boy in shock. He remembered Carlos talking about the reason as to why Hughie was here. According to Carlos Hughie had strangled his little sister in claiming demons were trying to get her. 

Matthew ran out of the room and to the nearest bathroom, leaving Hughie alone to pet the cat named after the sister he had killed. Matthew filled up the sink with water and dunked his head in it, forgetting that his glasses were still on his face. 

He hoped that the cool water would calm down his shakiness. While Matthew was spending time with Hughie and Millie he’d almost forgot that he was also spending time with a murderer. Even though Matthew had killed people himself the fact that someone as innocent as Hughie could have chocked his little sister to death made Matthew’s head spin. 

Matthew looked up at the mirror and at his wet face. Hughie was right about one thing though, thought Matthew as he looked at his face, his expression now into a scowl. Demons did exist and all of them were in Pentkuck.

I am not an animal. I am not an animal. I am not an animal.

I’m a demon. I’m a demon. I’m a demon.


	5. Chapter 5: I'm Real

Matthew soon felt himself fall into a daily routine. In the morning’s he would wake up along with Carlos, after a night void of sleep. The two would then go to their designated dining hall, hoping to avoid Smith who usually was in high sprits in the early morning. The two would pretend to swallow their medication, Matthew at least kept taking his amisulpride since he was clinically diagnosed as ’insane’ but kept his sleeping pills at the side of his mouth. After taking a seat at their usual table by the window, they would spit out their pills and store them in Carlos’ pocket. There the pills were safely stored until they returned to their room where Carlos placed them in the cigar box. After spending around ten minutes in their cell the two men would wander into the east common room to receive their payments. 

Matthew didn’t like to hang around in the east common room for too long as that was were Smith preferred to go. Matthew always felt Smiths gaze on him. The irony was almost funny. For so long Matthew had been ignored by so many people, now far too many people gave him attention - especially Smith.

Lunch times were much more easier on Matthew. The restlessness and hardships left by the morning seemed to disappear allow Matthew some time to relax. Matthew found himself with a lot more energy and was excited about going to the west common room. Carlos and Matthew split apart in the west common room. Carlos went about sorting payments while Matthew spent time with either Gilbert or Hughie and Mill. Even though he sometimes felt uneasy around Hughie the young mans innocence was hard for Matthew to just leave behind.

Hughie would mostly speak about Millie. He’d tell Matthew about how lovely and adorable she was, Matthew never argued those facts. The two would feed her treats and the grey tabby cat would curl up on one of their laps. 

Sometimes when Hughie would talk about Millie he’d get confused as to which one he was talking about. Sometimes he would describe her as being very active and grey, other times Millie was small and kept her hair in pigtails. Whenever Hughie caught himself speaking about his sister he’d shake his head and just start to sing, “Mill, Mill, Mill.”

Matthew never minded the boys confusion. Whenever Hughie started to steer towards his sister Matthew would quickly alter the course back to the grey tabby cat taking treats out of Hughie’s hand. 

The bright pearly smile Hughie had whenever he heard Millie purr was priceless. For a split second Matthew forgot about his crimes. He forgot about Pentkuck. He forgot about his dealing job. He forgot about his demons. There was only the happy face of Hughie as he stared at Millie as if she was the best thing ever created.

Sometimes, however, Hughie would be with Tino and Berwald who seemed to look after the boy most times. On those days Matthew would seek out Gilbert. Gilbert was always laughing and joking around with the other inmates. Matthew always was in a good mood whenever he spoke to Gilbert. He was like a puppy on acid, always happy, always grinning a wide chesiar cat grin.

Most conversations with Gilbert tended to lean more towards his younger brother, Ludwig. Gilbert would rave about how ‘awesome’ his little brother was. 

“He‘s started his own car company,” Gilbert said one sunny afternoon.

Both Gilbert and Matthew were outside in Pentkucks changed garden. The two were strolling along the grass when Gilbert began talking about his brother again.

“Or at least he was when I came here,” Gilbert grinned. “I bet by now he‘s in some list where they count down the richest guys in the world.”

Matthew pulled a face of confusion. “Hasn‘t he told you about his company?”

Gilbert shook his head yet kept an aura of aloofness. “He doesn‘t visit me.”

“Oh,” murmured Matthew. “I‘m sorry I asked.”

Gilbert laughed. “Don‘t be. It‘s good to talk about my family to someone.” Gilbert put his hand on Matthew, a grin stretching from ear to ear. “You got much family?”

The question caught Matthew off guard. No one had really asked about his family, which he was more than glad about. Even though Matthew felt comfortable around Gilbert talking about Alfred hurt far too much. 

“No,” Matthew lied. “No family to speak of.”

It wasn’t until near Christmas time, Matthew had spent five months in Pentkuck, that he hold Carlos about Alfred. 

The two were having dinner at their usual table, a few nurses were taking down the Christmas decorations as an other inmate had tried to strangle someone using the tinsel. It was actually Keith who made the order for the festive ornaments to be taken down and a lot of the inmates found themselves down.

“Never knew you had a brother,” Carlos said, pushing around some of his food. 

Matthew shrugged his shoulders and sipped at his water. “He never came up.”

Carlos scoffed out a laugh. “You‘ve been here for five months, Matthew.” He paused to shovel some food in his mouth. “So…why haven’t you said anything?”

Matthew shook his head. “It was too painful. If I spoke about him it felt like…” Matthew stopped and let himself take a breath. “It felt like I‘d just be bringing him here with me.”

Carlos nodded his head and waited a few more moments before speaking again. “Younger or older?”

“Younger.” Matthew let out a slight laugh. “By three days.”

The fork heading for Carlos’ mouth stopped half way. “What?”

“Our father knocked up both our mothers at the same time,” Matthew said. “Though we just say we‘re twins to make things easier.”

“Two woman?” Carlos’ eyebrows rose. “That must‘ve caused a lot of…trouble.”

Matthew shook his head. “Not really, our mothers are really close friends…after a while.”

“You close to your dad?” Carlos inquired, hoping he wasn’t over stepping his boundaries. 

Matthew shrugged his shoulders. “Alfred was…he kind of…forgot I was even there at times.”

Carlos stopped asking his questions and tried to deviate the subject. For the rest of that meal time the two chatted about how disappointed they were regarding the removal of the Christmas decorations. Matthew was glad of the changing of topic, although Alfred stayed in his mind for the rest of the evening. 

As he tossed and turned in his bed images of playing with his younger brother as a child flashed in his mind. That was the first night he shed a tear. Before how he could really turn on the water works he decided to take his emotions to the bathroom. When the guards did their hourly check-up he asked if he could go to the bathroom. 

The bathroom for Ward F was out of order so the guard had to take him to the one down in Ward B. Matthew was astounded at how differently the two Wards were. While they all looked clean and newly built, but Ward B had a much lighter tone. Some of the cell rooms even still had their lights on, playing cards or little board games to past the night. There was also only one nurse stationed instead of Ward F’s two guards. 

“I‘ll wait here for you,” said the guard motioning his head towards the bathroom door. 

Matthew nodded his head and pushed open the bathroom door and found it too be much more pearly compared to the one in Ward F - which was constantly in need of cleaning, no matter how many times the janitorial staff mopped up.

Unable to hold in his emotions for much longer he ran to one of the sinks and filled it up with cold water. He was about to throw his head into the water when he heard slight gasp coming from one of the cubical. Matthew turned around suddenly, believe someone was watching him but the cubicals were all still closed. The one on the far end had a slight shadow coming from it.

“I‘m real, I‘m real, I‘m real,” whispered someone from the cubical, clearly unaware of Matthew’s presence.

Curiosity got the better of him and Matthew slowly tipped towards the cubical, straining his ears.

“I‘m still here, I‘m not gone, I‘m still here, I‘m still real, I‘m real, I‘m real.”

Matthew instantly recognised the voice from the days spent in common room laughing away with him. Gilbert. He was franticly whispering to himself, “I‘m real,” over and over and over. 

Feeling as if he had invaded too much of Gilberts privacy, Matthew turned around and began to walk out the door. However, the cubical opened at Gilbert spotted him leaving. Matthew froze and turned around to see Gilbert mortified. 

“I…I‘m sorry,” was all Matthew could quickly say before hastily leaving the bathroom. 

The next day Matthew avoided Gilbert and the next day after that. He felt as he had seen something he wasn’t supposed to. It wasn’t until the day before Gilbert was scheduled to leave Pentkuck for good that the two finally spoke to each other again. 

Carlos had kept a small present for Gilbert stashed away, it was a fake golden coin with a ‘P’ engraved into it. 

“Could you go give this to Gilbert?” Carlos asked Matthew just after dinner. “He‘s up in his cell packing I think.”

Matthew looked down at the coin in his hand. “Why me?” he asked, feeling nervous. 

Carlos folded his arms. “There‘s clearly something weird between you two for a month. Sort it out before he leaves.” Carlos patted Matthew on the shoulder and went to continue dealing.

Matthew gulped down the nerves in his voice as he walked towards Ward B. Far too soon for Matthews comfort he stood just outside Gilbert’s cell watching him pack. Gilbert looked up and gave him his usual big toothed grin stretched across his face.

“Come to help the awesome me pack, eh?” he said, placing down a few pictures into a small box. 

Gingerly, Matthew stepped into the cell the coin inside his fist. “Carlos asked me to give you this.” He stretched out his hand for Gilbert to take the coin.

Gilbert looked at the coin then smiled. “Tell Carlos thanks.”

Matthew nodded his head and turned to leave the cell.

“Matthew?” Gilbert called back to him just as Matthew was at the door way.

Matthew turned back to Gilbert, an embarrassed feeling set in his gut. He didn’t want to talk about the night in the bathroom.

“Yes?” Matthew murmured quietly.

Gilbert still had a smile on his face. “Can you help me get the rest of the pictures off my wall.”

Still feeling tense Matthew slowly nodded his head and walked back into the room. Gilbert pointed to part of the wall above Gilberts bed. Matthew moved to kneel at the head of the bed and began to peel off the photographs. Most of them were of a blond man Matthew dubbed as Ludwig. He took off the photos and placed them in a neat pile on the pillow. He didn’t looked at many of them except for one. It was of a girl with rich milk chocolate hair. Matthew didn’t know who she was as Gilbert never really spoke about any females in his life. He took the photo and stared at it for a while.

“Who‘s this?” Matthew asked, exposing the photo.

“Oh, that’s Elizabeta,” Gilbert stood beside Matthew and looked at the photo.

There was a strange look in Gilberts eyes. There was a glint of happiness there yet it was overwhelmed by sorrow.

“She…” Gilbert shook his head and brought the photo closer to his face. “She‘s Roderich‘s ex-wife.”

Matthew couldn’t help but wince slightly as he remember Carlos telling the story of Roderich stabbing his own wife. However there was confusion in Matthew’s mind, why would Gilbert have a picture of his cousins wife. Matthew didn’t want to ask and was thankful that Gilbert spoke before he had to ask.

“We used to play a lot as kids,” Gilbert laughed. “When we teenagers we dated for a while but…” Gilbert sighed sadly. “Well she married Roderich.”

Matthew felt nothing but sympathy for his friend. “I‘m sorry about that.”

“Don‘t be,” Gilbert folded up the picture and put it in his pocket. “I don‘t deserve that. I - we - messed up her life.”

Matthew raised an eyebrow. “I understand Roderich but…” Matthew trailed off. “Sorry, it‘s none of my business.”

Gilbert smiled through the sadness in his eyes. “No, it‘s been forever since I‘ve talked about her.” Gilbert slumped beside Matthew on the bed. “I loved her. I still do.” Gilbert sighed heavily. “I got so mad when I found out she was marring Roderich that I almost didn‘t show up to her wedding.”

“But you still went?” Matthew commented. 

Gilbert nodded. “She was my best friend, I would never miss that.” Gilbert rubbed the back of his neck. “Just before she was supposed to walk down the isle I did the worse thing ever.” He rubbed his face.

“What?” Matthew shifted his weight.

“I told her I still had feelings for her,” he scoffed out a painful laugh. “Such an unawsome thing to do. She yelled at me. Then again she always yelled at me.”

“I‘m guessing you didn‘t stay to watch them tie the knot?” Matthew asked, slowly.

Gilbert shook his head. “I went straight to the nearest bar and did the first thing that would jump on me. After that it was just one downturn after the other.”

Matthew took a breath. “How did you get here?”

Gilbert scoffed a huff of a laugh. “All I did was drink and drink and fuck and drink. My brother then had nothing to do with me. I don‘t blame him, I just weighed him down. So I ended up alone in my apartment one day. I…I thought…I thought I was fading away.”

Breath was sucked from Matthew lungs. He knew all to well what it was like to be ignored. Just like Gilbert, he too believed that he was completely invisible to everyone. Just like Gilbert, it was why he committed his crime. 

“Just that one thought kept going through my mind over and over and over until it was all I could think about.” Gilbert sat up and put his elbows on his knees. “I couldn‘t do anything because of that thought. I went to the doctors and took the pills he gave me but the thought was still there.”

“Pills don‘t help,” Matthew said, his sympathy shifting into empathy. 

“They don‘t which is why I did what I did.” Gilbert paused and prepared himself to speak again. “I held up a bank.”

“A bank?” Matthew said, dazed.

“I didn‘t want money I just wanted someone to…to see me.” Gilbert rubbed the sweat that dripped from his face. “I just kept screaming ‘tell me I‘m real, tell me I‘m real‘. While waving a damn gun around.” Gilbert shook his head, filled with nothing but shame. “The next thing I knew I was here, on a higher dosage.”

The two sat in silence once Gilbert finished his story. Matthew spoke first. “I know what it‘s like. Having just one thought imbedded into your brain that its all you start to believe in.” Matthew sighed deeply. “It‘s also the reason I‘m forever going to be here.”

“I heard that you killed someone,” Gilbert said, quietly.

“Three people, they were ignoring me and…and…” Matthew squinted his eyes. “I can‘t remember.”

There were flashing of his crime coming to him but the whole picture was distorted. It was that or Matthew’s own brain had stopped from showing the awful thing he done in case of even more damage and hurt happening to Matthew.

Gilbert patted Matthew on the back. “Thanks,” he said. “I really needed someone to talk to all this about.”

The two stood up and shared a deep hug. It was something they both needed. After believing that he was fading for so long, the thought suddenly started to dissolve for Gilbert. Gilbert watched as Matthew left. He’d never known anyone else to have the same thoughts as him. Mentally, he thanked Matthew as he realised that the insanity in his head was beginning to clear.

Matthew, however, couldn’t stop the confusion in his head. Why couldn’t he remember? He should remember. Everyday he should relive the crime he did. The souls of those he took should haunt him everyday of his life. Yet, they didn’t. In fact he couldn’t even remember how the lives he took looked like. Was there a woman? Or where they all men? Matthew realised then that he was the true entity of evil because a good person would remember those he murder. The only good thing about him was that he was forever going to be locked up in Pentkuck.

I am a demon. I am a demon. I am a demon.

I deserve this. I deserve this. I deserve this.


	6. New Kid on the Ward

Matthew found that his first year in Pentkuck went by quicker than he expected. Mainly because himself and Carlos tended to do the same thing everyday. However, he found Christmas hard. Pentkuck had organized a huge dinner for the inmates in wards D to F in the main building. Carlos told Matthew that those in A to C had Christmas dinner with their families in another building a few miles away. The two business partners sat in their usual table eating dry turkey with thinned down gravy. According to Carlos it was much better than the Christmas they had the year before.  
  
According to Carlos’ tale, Smith choose last Christmas to have his form of ‘fun’. Which mostly consisted of beating one inmate black and blue, making his Christmas gift three days in isolation. All members of staff were on extra watch with Smith that year.   
  
“I bet they‘ve given him pills with a strong ass sedative in it,” Carlos said, his gaze to Smith. “Better just giving him a fucking horse tranquilizer.”  
  
Matthew chocked on his water, spraying it on his vegetables. Hughie caught sight of this from the table across the room, laughter roaring from his belly. Thankfully for Matthew, he still was ignored enough by most inmates that only Hughie was able to catch his slip up.  
  
At lights out Matthew didn’t sleep at all, the memories of past Christmas haunting him like phantoms. Matthew closed his eyes trying to imagine spending the night with his brother and drinking wine to cheesy festive songs. The imagined that Alfred would have drunk one too many and was forcing him to sing along to ‘jingle bells’.   
  
His constant tossing and turning was enough to stir Carlos from his sleep.   
  
“Can‘t stop thinking about your family?” he said in the stillness of the night.  
  
Matthew stared up at the ceiling. “I don‘t deserve them,” he croaked out.  
  
“Everyone deserves a family,” Carlos said, turning to face the wall and pulling the blanket over his shoulder.   
  
Matthew sighed. “Even those who took away someone else family members?”  
  
Carlos said nothing in return.  
  
* * *  
  
Half way through the next year Pentkuck received a new inmate in Ward F. Matthew found it almost surreal watching through his doorframe as Keith walked along side a sturdy looking man with floppy hazel hair that was in desperate need of a comb. The man didn’t look too intimidating what with his lazy looking eyes just casually glancing through the halls and his lethargic strides down the floors of Ward F.   
  
Matthew watched as Keith led the man into the cell which housed Hughie and his stomach dropped. For a year and a half Matthew had grown attached to Hughie and his little ‘Mill’. He took a few steps out of his cell to get a better look at Hughie as he sat on the bed, clutching Millie to his chest.   
  
Keith quickly said goodbye to the new inmates and hurried to do the rest of his duties. Once Keith was out of sight Matthew stepped towards Hughie’s cell.  
  
“Hu-” Matthew started.  
  
The new inmate slowly put his hand to the cat. At first Millie seemed unsure of the new addition but within seconds seemed to warm to the man, even purring as he stroked her hair. Hughie kept the cat on his lap as he saw Matthew.  
  
“Mattie! Mattie! Mill likes! Mill likes! Mill, Mill, Mill,” Hughie trilled away.  
  
Matthew nodded and allowed himself to smile slightly at the new inmate in form of a welcome. The man stopped petting the cat for a few seconds to look Matthew up and down. Matthew couldn’t help but feel slightly intimidated at the mans size. Even though Matthew himself had grown rather burly - thanks to Carlos’ exercise training - in the year and a half he had stayed in Pentkuck, he still wasn’t as thick as the new inmate.  
  
“I‘m Matthew,” he said, and side stepped slightly to put his own cell to view. “I stay in the cell just there.”  
  
The man nodded. “I‘m Heracles,” he said, with a blank almost tired expression.  
  
Matthew could feel no hostility towards Heracles, it was rather hard to feel anything scary towards the man as he sat petting Millie, a content look on his face. Reassured that Hughie would be safe, Matthew left the cell and went back to his own. He went back to reading an old book which was falling apart - Matthew found himself lucky that all the pages were still together - along with suckling on a cheery flavoured sweet.   
  
Little times such as then were a favourite of Matthew’s. He could just get lost within the words of a novel and have fruit flavoured hard sweets fill his mouth. Sometimes he even pretended he was a child again, sitting crossed legged on his bed as the open window let in a cool summer wind, which made his hair fly in every direction.   
  
He missed days like that. He missed his own bed, he missed his college friends, he missed his mother, his father, he missed Alfred. His heart broke at the thought of Alfred. For a year and a half he hadn’t seen nor spoken to his brother. Alfred had sent letters for the first half of the year but Matthew never opened them, they sat in a pile inside a box hidden away beneath Matthew’s bed. While Alfred had stopped writing as much as he used to, still every month a new letter would arrive for Matthew, only to be tossed into the box. Matthew knew he didn’t deserve to know how well Alfred was doing.  
  
A sharp wet laugh coming from Matthew’s door made him jump and quickly shut the book. Standing by the door frame was Smith, his arms folded over his chest and his rusty teeth showing through his crooked smile. They had let him out of isolation early again.  
  
“Hello, sweetie,” Smith blew Matthew a kiss.  
  
Over the months Matthew had stayed in Pentkuck he learned how to deal with Smith, that didn’t mean he still didn’t fear him.  
  
“I‘m busy,” Matthew said harshly, going back to his book.  
  
“What ya reading?” Smith asked, taking a step into the room.  
  
Matthew ignored Smith.  
  
“Looks like a fancy book.” Smith walked to stand in front of Matthew. In one quick smooth motion he yanked the book out of Matthew’s hand. It was like high school all over again for Matthew.   
  
Matthew didn’t rise to Smiths antagonism. Instead he just sat on his bed, holding out his hands for Smith to give it back.  
  
“Animal Farm, eh?” Smith said, looking at the grubby front cover. “Once seen a porno called that. This one girl took a horses dick right in the asshole.” Smiths eyes lit up with the memory. “Real hardcore.” Smith spoke like an animal himself.  
  
Matthew rolled his eyes and once they returned to Smith he noticed the bulge in his trousers. Quickly averting his eyes, Matthew grew hot and sweaty with anxiousness. Smith, however, seemed to treat his sudden erection as if it was as normal as a newly formed spot on his face.   
  
“Can you just leave, Smith,” demanded Matthew.  
  
Smith threw down the book and stared down at Matthew, a strange glint in his eyes. “So pretty…” he cooed.  
  
“What are you doing here, Smith?” Carlos appeared at the doorway, like a guardian angel to Matthew.   
  
“Just leaving,” Smith smiled at Carlos, before exiting the cell.  
  
Once Smith left the cell, Matthew let out a sigh and leaned back. “Thanks for that.”  
  
“No problem,” said Carlos, strolling to the pull up bar. “Why was he here?” Carlos asked, jumping up to clutch the bar.  
  
Matthew shrugged. “He wanted my book.”  
  
“Why do they keep letting him out early all the damn time,” complained Carlos, through grunts as he exercised.  
  
“They can‘t keep him there forever,” said Matthew.   
  
Carlos groaned. “I wish they would, would make my life so much better.”  
  
Matthew stood up and walked to lean his shoulder on the wall, watching Carlos as he pulled himself up and down. Matthew never really liked to use the bar, her preferred to run in the back gardens or to just do a few crunches. He always admired Carlos and his dedication to keep himself fit and healthy, despite the circumstances they were both in.  
  
“There‘s a new guy in Hughie‘s ward,” mentioned Matthew.  
  
“Yeah I saw ‘em bring him through the front door, looked like he was falling asleep,” Carlos said, with a smirk on his face.   
  
“How can he look so tired, I don‘t think I‘ve ever gotten a full nights sleep since I got here,” Matthew rubbed his eyes. “I‘m always so tired too.”  
  
Carlos dropped from the bar. “Don‘t worry, you‘ll be fine. Eventually you‘ll sleep, this place takes a lot outta people.”  
  
Matthew shrugged. “I have an appointment with my physiatrist this week, I‘ll ask him for some more sleeping pills. That way we‘ll still have our stock and maybe I‘ll finally sleep.”  
  
Carlos fell to the floor, starting his push-ups. “Sounds like a good idea. Maybe you‘ll stop tossing and turning and let me get a decent nights sleep too.”  
  
Matthew’s face went red, he hadn’t realised is nightly fidgeting had caused sleep disturbance for Carlos. “I‘m so sorry; I‘ll try not to move around so much.”  
  
Carlos grunted out a laugh. “It‘s fine Matthew, I was just teasing.”  
  
Letting out a breath of relief Matthew rubbed his eyes. “Please don‘t do that again.”  
  
“I‘ll try not to,” murmured Carlos, half jokingly.   
  
Matthew didn’t like how bad he felt at being teased, he wished he could take back his previous words and incrouge Carlos to resume his sarcastic remarks at Matthew’s expense. Being without such words thrown at him was something Matthew felt he didn’t deserve such kindness.  
  
 _I am a demon. I am a demon. I am a demon._  
  
 _I don’t deserve kindness. I don’t deserve kindness. I don’t deserve kindness._


End file.
